First one: "My wife is an angel"

Second one: "You are lucky! Mine is still alive."

"Do you drink?" the girl's father inquired of his prospective son-in-law."

"First tell me whether it is a question or an invitation" asked son-in-law.

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,"You are next".

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1!!! F1!!!" and nobody understood it.

A little boy asked his father "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Two friends meet each other on the street.
"hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.
"I'm coming from the cemetery. I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Sid.
"I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?".
"It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".

Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully", the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very nice, your honour", the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself".

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.